In this post I will explain my struggles with the belief of God. Specifically the Christian god. I’ve mostly come to terms with the fact that sometimes nobody can answer your questions. Time and time again I have presented my ideas but most of the time with little response. I hope that any readers that stumble across with any insight on the topic would care to shed some light on the subject. I would also like to disclose that I do not claim to have thoroughly read into the Bible at all, this is merely me coming to this conclusion over just thinking and a bit of reading.
A quick background on myself before I continue. Most of my life in grade school was spent at a Christian school. I had gone to the assemblies, participated in various school productions (as small as they were), played on the teams, and went to the barbeques. I spent most of my life believing that these teachers, parents and peers of mine had it figured out. Praying during chapel over the sick, helping out our neighboring communities and creating an environment where people could feel safe. Which is awesome by the way. I love the positive impact that most followers have had on my life. This isn’t an attack on them or their beliefs this is simply why I can not believe.
The privileged finish first
In my late teens I was hit really hard with real doubts. I had been a sheep, I didn’t truly read into what I said I had believed. As previously stated I was around Christians most of my life. My mother was Christian, most of her family was also. I believe strongly that whatever you’re born into, whether it be Islam, Judaism, Christianity, drug abuse, starvation, or disease; it’s something that will most likely be your path (generally speaking). So my mother is a devout Christian woman, does this mean I’m saved from an eternal pain and granted forever happiness, if I so choose to follow her path. Now that sounds like a very unfair system, yes the world is unfair; but if you’re an all-knowing benevolent being why create such a system? But when talking to Christians about this their go to answer is, “God works in mysterious ways”. Which is totally fine. But if you are not a believer how is a statement like that going to rest in your mind? Yes you’ve given them the answer, but their faulty judgement has “clouded” them and all you can do is let them work it out?
“I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ”
The urgency that is lacking from Christians is frightening. They believe that their souls are saved and that they have found the one true word. The Bible teaches you to treat your neighbor as yourself and this is the word of the one true God. If they believe this why are they not spreading the word like a farmer spreads seed across his fields. Yes every summer in their teens they go to Mexico and build a house for some family that can’t even afford basic medical treatment. Which is awesome, but there’s a trend with them. After the honeymoon stage of being a Christian fades (and I’m not speaking for all of them, just what I’ve observed while at Church, youth group and school) they continue their day jobs, make sure that they attend Church on Sunday every week and pay their tithes, have their “walk with God”, talk with fellow Christians at the nearest Starbucks about their struggles with pornography or coveting. But that’s it. If I knew what awaited me after this life and what awaited my family or friends that have not chosen the righteous path I would walk across glass bare footed to help them.
The failed system:
Eden, Earth and Heaven. I’m guessing most people that are be reading this are into some art form or another. If so, this will be clear to you.
Once you’ve finished that project that you’ve slaved over, whether it be that painting you just finished or the story that had recently come together. There are usually four things that you would like to do first if you have finished a story. (In no particular order) First: save it. Second: Edit it. Third: Back it up (make extra saved copies, be it on flash drives or disks). And fourth: Share it. I want to put emphasis on the “back it up” part. After finishing that gem that has taken up so much of your time (and sleep) you want to make sure nothing taints it. What I’m getting at is a comparison between the creator and the created. You’re not going to catch the bus as it’s raining, with your painting in hand uncovered. You will do what you can to make sure that it is safe even though it may not be “The Creation of Adam”. Because it’s something you have created, a part of you, something that you cherish. My point being why create something, something so great, so vast and allow it to be tainted. Especially when you have the insight. If I had known that I was going to lose my iPod while at work, that had notes for story ideas on it; I would not have brought it with me. As precious as those notes were to me, in comparison to our home we call Earth, they are nothing!
I guess he did “Back it up”, Heaven. The place with no tears.
I love my family and friends, if anything were to harm them and it was within my power to stop it. I would stop it (or hope to). Why not stop Satan? Why allow him to tempt us? As a test? Why must mankind suffer at the expense of some test. “God works in mysterious ways”. This phrase kills me, once I hear it in a discussion I immediately give up. Though I admit I have laughed or shaken my head in disapproval. I feel odd saying this to Christians but I am filled with the belief that we (humans) have the capacity to be more compassionate than their God. I know my Christian friends will read this and look at it puzzled but it’s true. I would do whatever I could, if I was given his tremendous power to stop what harm came to my creations or loved ones way. I would never want anyone around me to suffer.
The Maze: The engineer. The robot. And the benevolent God who created sin
My over used analogy…
An engineer has been presented with a 3d maze, his mission (should he choose to accept it) is to create an automated robot to complete the maze. So he begins his work and finishes with ease. The robot works his way through the maze choosing between left, right, up and down. The robot makes it through and the engineer has succeeded. Switching to the benevolent God who created sin. I’m going to start from the creation of man and work my way back. God has created the heavens, Lucifer’s fall has already taken place. Adam pops up after God makes some sand castles. Then God gives him the Vulcan nerve pinch and he’s out. God removes a rib. We have Eve (And you ladies thought the creation of life was exclusive to women). Eve gets tempted by the serpent and she convinces Adam it’s fine to have a bite of an apple. “You have consumed a fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, that I put in front of you to tempt you! I created you and this test, but you have failed the test therefore you are at fault and banished from Eden!” So God created man and gave him the ability to choose what he likes.
I’m going to step back to the creation of Heaven, angels and the fall of Lucifer before I finish. Now God, the all-powerful, in his loneliness decides to create angels. All is right until Lucifer decides that he wants more power, so he falls from grace. That’s a little odd. What kind of being would create something to harm their own self? The only comparison I can make is a depressed girl who deliberately harms herself. How can you have the insight of what is to come and still mess up? So God’s first mistake (of many) is Lucifer, the devil. His name carries a heavy meaning, people think of pain, torture and brutality. I personally think of a victim. Hmmm.
The comparison is between God and the engineer, robot and man (Lucifer as well). Within this robots world (the maze) he only has the ability to choose between his four options (Left, right, up and down). Now in our universe, we are not limited to simply just four. But there still are choices. Choices that must abide by the rules set by our universe. Choices, the good and the evil. Now who is the creator of these rules and all within them? Christians would say God.
Now the believers are looking at this and saying “I see where you’re going but God is good, the evil acts we commit are result of the fall”. You could back up and say that they are the result of Satan entering the world and it was part of God’s “mysterious” plan. But where did that evil come from? Lucifer was filled with jealousy and left (or was banished from) Heaven. Well where did Lucifer’s evil seed come from?
Why I do not believe
I cannot believe that evil just popped up into Lucifer’s mind, an angel. The idea that his malevolent desires just came to fruit one day and that they were not planted there before, strike me as odd. It’s as if you were reading about Greek Mythology and out of the nothingness emerged Gaia (Earth). Things don’t just appear they have to be planted, created or built. Based off of an inconsistency in the portrayal of God I have chosen not to follow.
Well thank you for the read and as always I am more than open to discussion via: private message or comments.
Thanks again for your time and I hope to hear from you!